


stand tall

by driver



Category: The Walking Dead (Video Games)
Genre: Developing Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Relationships, M/M, Self Confidence Issues, Suicide Attempt, also don't ask me what that ending was about i thought it was kinda cute, dude i have no idea, kenny gets ben to share his love of boats with him - the thrilling epic, stay safe kids
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-17
Updated: 2016-07-17
Packaged: 2018-07-24 14:31:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7511905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/driver/pseuds/driver
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>ben needs some help from a certain southerner</p>
            </blockquote>





	stand tall

**Author's Note:**

> so i thought: hmm, what if ben liked kenny? not in a crush sort of way, just liked him and wanted his respect? what would happen if an event like this happened?  
> this is kinda hamfisted and i'm sorry but i hope you like it, it was just an experiment after all. brotherly love!

He felt suffocated.

Ben’s pallid, stubble-ridden face was unusually flushed with red, and he looked as exhausted as he felt. Physically, and mentally. It didn’t help that his eyes had a rose-colored tint of their own, although it didn’t matter; no one was around to see him.

He sat concreted to a sofa that felt like bricks in the living room, on his own, allowing his mind to drift to dark places like it always did. Anxiety began to manifest inside his stomach as his face felt his trembling hands. Earlier, Ben had decided to attempt to keep his breathing light, but ended up sobbing into his sleeves as usual and raking hands through locks of matte sandalwood hair. If you asked him if he cried- though it was obvious what the answer was- he would say no without a second’s thought in a weak attempt to look less... Useless.

It wasn’t even a doubt at this point. He was useless. He didn’t mean anything to anyone in the group, he’d indirectly killed more than half of the people that were back at the motel with them, and he might as well already be laid out in lavender. And though he was sick of it, he spent night after night awake moping over how it should’ve been him instead of Carley.

_Carley. _Ben choked, panting deeply and heavily through clenched teeth as he felt his arms seize and shudder. But by then it was too late; he slowly eased into a long sob and dug his face into his hands to try and stop himself from the inevitable. He could only stop his urges for so long-__

It was then when an idea came to him.

The pupils of his soft, powder blue eyes seemed to dilate on their own and the tears ceased suit. Though lines of raw emotion were running down his face, he stared out across the hallway, looking towards the staircase and all that lied beyond it.

He was itching to do something. Initially, hints of reluctance picked at the back of his mind like futile jabs at getting him to change his mind, but now, he was dead set on doing this. He pushed himself upwards, his azure letterman rustling slightly as it moved alongside his body. And then he walked with light footsteps and a very hesitant gait.

Ben wasn’t allowed his own gun. He’d made the mistake of asking why he couldn’t have one yet Clementine could once- which landed him a swift backhand from Kenny- and that instantly killed all chances he could ever have one of his own. The plan was to just... Borrow one temporarily, and it’d be back before it was missed.

The interior of the mansion’s upper hallway felt grim and bleak, boarded windows letting in narrow slits of moonlight that traced the floor. Occasional hitched whimpers escaped Ben’s lips, although he wasn’t even scared anymore. It would be so easy. One bullet, and he was no longer a burden. His face twisted at the thought and he sniffled hard, more tears sliding down his cheeks, but he merely wiped them off on his white sleeves and kept moving.

_I won’t even be missed._

He knew Kenny hated him and jumped at the oppurtunity to pick on him whenever possible. He knew Clementine didn't see him as anything better than Duck, he knew Lee just saw him as some immature kid, and Omir and Christa had shrouded thoughts. He assumed likewise for them, and he felt himself chilling at the roots. It wasn't like anything he felt back when Travis was around and he still hid out in the school... He just _felt_ unwanted. Unneeded. Just excess baggage weighing the group down.

With slow, deliberate movements, he snuck his way into Kenny’s room, full with the intention of not being seen. Despite his rabid fear of Kenny, he was oddly passionate towards him. He had limitless remorse for what he’d done to Katjaa and Duck, but he really couldn’t come to any way to alleviate the damage he’d done.

Maybe this would be an adequate way to say sorry. No other apologies got through to him.

The older man was fast asleep, snoring loudly enough to mask Ben’s own footsteps. He swallowed hard as he saw his pistol laying upon the nightstand, and inched a bit closer to grip it in both hands. It took a moment to hold it right as his hands were slicked with sweat, but the minute he got a good look at it, he cocked it and began to ease out of the room.

He couldn’t do it where everyone could hear him. He pondered the attic or even the yard, ignoring the buzzing in his mind and the twisting in his stomach. Step after step, step after step...

“What the _hell_ are you doing with my gun, boy?”

Ben practically jumped a foot in the air at the sound of Kenny’s voice from behind him. He whipped around to see none other than the latter; his mouth set and his eyes defiant with blind rage. Inwardly, Ben winced.

“I-”

“Oh, I see what’s going on. You gonna just kill us all now?”

“I’m- I’m not- Kenny, I-”

Kenny slid out of bed and his tone only intensified. “Give me that, asshole!” The bad blood between them both only seemed to get worse day by day. Submissively, Ben held the pistol out in front of him and closed his eyes in a wincing manner. “What, then? Just gonna steal this and _run off?_ You think that’s cute? You think that shit’s _cute?”_

“I don’t...”

"You just don't know when to fuckin' _quit,_ Ben. Haven't you done enough?" Kenny’s voice turned into a deep scowl, ripping his property away from his counterpart’s hands. “Don’t ever know what the hell’s going through that head of yours...”

“I was just gonna-”

“Just gonna what, Ben?”

Ben’s mouth fell open, but closed itself the second he thought of the whiplash being honest might cause. He remained motionless as he stared at the man he was faced with, before wiping his nose and apologizing. “I’m sorry. I should just go.”

He began a hustle back to his own room, shuffling his feet and fixating his gaze permanently on the floor. But, a concrete hand gripped on his shoulder and forked him back without difficulty. A voice followed the gesture at its heels, sharp with command, but still quiet enough to keep the exchange confidential.

“Answer the goddamn question.”

“I just wanted to-” Ben’s voice cracked on his final word, and the back of his sleeve found itself rubbing his eyes another time. He gave a light, pitched whimper under Kenny’s unforgiving stare. “I was gonna- I was gonna do it.”

“So you _WERE_ gonna kill someone, huh? What is this, a game to you? How many lives are you gonna-”

“No, Kenny! For- For fuck’s sake, I was gonna...” 

It wasn’t a second after his last word that he felt something solid ram his cheek and send him stumbling to the right. When he regained his balance, he saw Kenny practically fuming, gun in the air. Ben choked out an apology, rubbing his cheek and the side of his eye until he felt his shirt be grabbed and dragged so he’d stand properly.

Ben, seemingly suffocated by his own words, stood rooted to the spot and could do nothing but dart his eyes around and try to suck it all up. His chest heaved as he began to hyperventilate and rough his hands through his hair, his face contorting in awful ways as he prepared to break down. Again. This time, alternatively, in front of Kenny.

Kenny seemed indifferent. His voice was as loud as a bark. ”You were gonna?”

After a moment of hesitation, Ben spat it out. “K-kill myself.”

“Wh-”

The room went silent then, aside from Ben’s continued sobbing and other noises of defeat as a hand palmed at the red mark on his cheek. Kenny’s eyebrows furrowed deeply, looking at the other; sizing him up and attempting to discern if he meant what he said. 

What was there to say to something like that? For some reason, after dwelling on the possibility, it seemed a lot more realistic than just another excuse to stay out of trouble. His face turned into, respectively, a more apologetic expression and he stepped away from Ben as he sank down to the floor.

"Really?" The only response was a weak _'mhm'_ sound. “Jesus Christ...” Kenny’s tone swerved to something more compassionate. “Just go get some sleep, kid.” 

“Sl-sleep’s not g-going to fix this, Kenny. Don’t you get it?” Ben’s face met the ceiling, and then Kenny’s less-than-angry expression. It was a rare one, seeing the constant whirlwind of confusion and anger Kenny seemed to always be in. “There’s nothing left for... For me. Nobody likes me, I’m us-useless, and... Oh, oh no...”

Ben broke down. He wailed loudly, loud enough for surely everyone in the house as Kenny knelt down to pacify him. “Quiet down, kid. It’s okay. Stop crying.”

“We’re all fucked, Kenny! Open y-your eyes! There’s nothing left for anyone! We-”

A hand clamped over the teenager’s mouth. Though he sounded angry, Kenny's eyes said something else. “Cool it, Ben. Think this through.”

Kenny slid an arm behind Ben, pulling his body upwards easily and sitting him down on the side of his bed. As disgusted as he was by the idea of his tears, snot and maybe even blood all over his bed, he cared more about the kid being calm and levelheaded. As much as he hated Ben, the last thing he wanted was another dead kid and a smaller group. And although he still had a blind rage towards him... Kenny was sick of losing people. Even if it meant keeping the person responsible for more than half the mess at bay.

“C’mon. Sit down. Get it together.” He took his hand away from Ben’s mouth- it now being covered with tears which he swatted away- and leaned over to look at the crying pale blue eyes of the other. “You know you don’t gotta do this, don’t you?”

“I don’t even like myself anymore, K-Kenny.” Ben stared at the floor, his tears continuing to roll despite his apparent lack of motion. “I don’t pull my weight. I... I don’t even mind when you yell at me anymore. I des-deserve it.”

“Ben. As much as I want to beat your scrawny little ass right in, you’re still a person.” The tough love approach seemed like Kenny’s best bet, though the sobbing only seemed to grow in intensity. He slipped a torn rag out of his pocket and handed it to Ben, who’s eyes lit up for a fraction of a second as he took it gratefully and blew his nose hard. “Listen, I’m sorry for all the shit I’ve been saying and doing to you. You- Well, you’re not a bad kid. You’re just young and stupid.”

“Not the first time I’ve h-heard that before...”

“You don’t gotta listen to what they or I say if it hurts you.” Kenny sighed then; a deep, doleful kind of sigh. “Just listen to me now. All that shit, back at the motel? Poor judgment, I guess. I know all this happening wasn’t deliberate. Don’t beat yourself up over it.”

Ben’s tone pushed, surging with emotion and adrenaline. “We lost _four people_ because of me, Kenny! I’m so...!” 

His bravery didn’t last long. Within seconds his voice spun off, and he buckled down to sobbing into the rag again. Kenny let out an impatient kind of scoff, though he did feel as if he’d signed up for the saddest shitshow in the history of the world. An insecure, anxious, paranoid student just trying to do what he thought was right. 

“It doesn’t even matter anymore, Ben. We have to look forward, and not back.” For a moment, he saw a pair of blue eyes just peek out from the rag, but bury themselves in the brown fabric again. “You know what, actually? I have to tell you something. Now or never.”

“What?” Ben’s voice still sounded weak, almost sickly.

“You’re not the bravest kid out there, I know. But, just so you know... don’t gotta stand tall around me or Lee.” Kenny’s hand lay softly against Ben’s trembling back, giving it two reassuring pats. “Just stand up.”

“I’m not sure if I can...”

“Well, we’re still here for you, buddy. Y’know what they say? No man is an island.”

Ben’s lips pursed as he moved the damp rag down and cocked his head to face his counterpart properly. A weird feeling jolted up his arms as he finally got a look at Kenny’s face; tired and worn, but he still had a tight, restrained smile. He looked... friendly, which wasn’t a word Ben would have ever used to describe him in the past.

A finger traced the elaborate patterns of wrinkles in the bedsheets just next to the pistol he’d been thinking of using to seal his fate so shortly ago. Ben began to stammer aloud. “You- Uh... Then I guess you won’t need a b-boat to get to me, huh?”

Kenny let out a short sigh before making a dry chuckle. "Wow, man..." A flush of warmth flew deep into Ben’s cheeks at the sight, only adding to the preexisting redness on his face. He joined in, and they both shared a genuine laugh which melted into fleeting sighs. 

“You’re not a bad kid. You just need to pick your head up sometimes.”

“I wanna. ‘Just a little hard sometimes, you know? What, with life being the way it is right now... God, something bad’s around every corner, right...?”

_Hmm._ Kenny leaned back a little and covered his mouth with his hand, lost in thought. As deep as he pondered it, he couldn’t think of anything relevant to say. The silence was draining, though, and all he could do was lean against his pillow and turn to see Ben fiddling with his thumbs.

The thought of their reality made him grumble every single time, but he couldn’t swat it away. He shook his head violently as if dragging himself out of a stupor, and sat up to look at his counterpart. “Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t keep yourself alive for a while.”

Tears started to well underneath blue eyes again. “I don’t want to die, Kenny. I really don’t. I just didn’t think I had any other options.” 

Kenny exhaled deeply and scoot over to Ben, resulting in a deep squeak from underneath them on the mattress, scooting a finger underneath his left eye and wiping his tears. “Stop crying, will ya, kid?” Ben just turned to him gingerly, looking astonished and slightly stupefied that he’d even bothered to do that. For what seemed like an eternity, they sat there in those exact positions.

The scenario had turned slightly tense, but not in a violent sort of way. An tricky sort of way, rather now that Kenny’s hand had moved downward and just lightly brushed the teenager’s letterman until it felt the ends. And then it pulled away, dividing what could have been. “Just don’t wanna see a kid like you dead too. Man...” He looked at the light bruise he caused and sucked his teeth. “Sorry about that, again. It doesn’t _hurt_ hurt, does it?”

Ben audibly sighed in disappointment, but didn’t do anything physical aside from nervously brushing a few strands of hair behind his ear. He could _feel_ his face growing red as he looked up at his counterpart, refusing to break eye contact. “No... It’s alright. I’ll look at it tomorrow.”

"I can give you a little help, if you want it."

"Help? Help how?"

"Bah, no clue. I'm no doctor. I'll just sit near you if you need something."

"You'll just be all over that boat as usual!"

"Then I'll bring the boat to you."

"Pssh..." A small but genuine smile crossed Ben's face. "That'd, you know... Be nice."

Silence lingered shortly. Kenny was the first to speak up- though the first thing to leave his mouth was a long yawn. The room was growing colder, and he could see Ben beginning to shake like a leaf. “Well, I’ll see you in the morning, huh?” He gave a hearty sort of laugh and laid back against his pillow. “It was, you know, nice talkin’ with you, Ben. Just try to keep your head on straight from now on. Y'know where to find me.”

Instead of getting up or moving at all, Ben remained completely stationary. Seemingly absentmindedly, his thumbs resumed swirling each other and he had a wary sort of look in his eyes. Once again, his mouth got ahead of his brain. “I just... Thank you, Kenny. Thank you.”

Though Kenny was already buckling down and his eyelids were distinctly leaden with sleep, he managed to hold a gaze as he began to drift back into his pillow. “Don’t... Yeah. Don’t mention it... Uh, Duck.”

Ben’s eyes flit open in surprise, but they quickly softened. “Thank you anyways.” He pushed himself upright, giving one last glance at the pistol, and sighed. “Goodnight.”

Just as he reached the door’s frame he paused and stopped completely. He turned around before long, only to see Kenny spread over his bed and hear him snoring as always. Slowly, he traced back into the room, securing the baseball cap that clung to a bedpost and tucking it under his arm.

With a slow stroll to his own room- which Lee made sure that Clementine never entered- he found his attention on the ceiling as he collapsed onto his bed.

He hadn't quite lost hope yet, though he did face the grim reality of what he lived with a more serious gaze. All he wanted to do was live, despite how awful things had the tendency to be at times. But now, with that boat, things might actually look up. Things could blow over, they could go somewhere safer than Savannah, and the cool waves of the ocean could soothe them by night if they traveled that long... The thoughts were oddly decadent.

The orange hat still lay clutched in his fingers. By the time he considered putting it back, Ben's entire body was claimed by the mere idea of sleep, and he felt much too tired to get up as he lay horizontally on his own bedspread using his own blue jacket as a makeshift blanket and clinging Kenny’s hat to his frame. Just a little something to get him to sleep better... an effective little something. For five seconds, he swore it smelled like seawater already.

For the first time in months, he felt like he could breathe easy.


End file.
